Saba often used to say that she always felt very sad and gloomy around her birthday, never making sense of the spates of excitement that most people usually experience on that one day of the year; Danish wanted to change that for her this time. It was Saba’s first birthday since they had starting seeing each other and he almost made it his life’s goal to make January 25th a sweet memorable day for her. It was only yesterday when he was thinking of the ideas to celebrate the day, things he could do to surprise her , while being aware of the fact that Saba might not like him doing something overtly cheesy; and now he sat alone surrounded by a strange vacuum . He felt being in a space with everything being sucked out , being in a strange trance where he only felt the occasional crinkle at the corner of his eyes as he almost came to tears; the lump in his throat choked him up as the songs on his playlist reminded him of the times spent with Saba, those warm magical hugs and those sweet kisses that stopped the clocks for them . The thought that it would be a sad 27th birth day for Saba was akin to the shrill throbbing pain of a pin piercing through his heart slowly.
Danish had made a stony resolve that he would never make Saba feel that people walk in to her life and then one day walk out leaving her alone, a thought that she had shared with him many times – he now wanted to burst his lungs screaming that he wanted to be with her. He had started imagining a life in her company more often now, in fact since last few days he crazily started thinking at back of his mind about a unique yet personal way to propose her when the moment would come some day; a gesture that would have their story written on it – his’ and hers . He tried to come to terms with the baffling reality, not being able to comprehend why all that was happening ,was happening .There were certain beliefs and principles about which both of them had very strong views; some of them were a result of their circumstances and the lives they had lived, while others were a manifestation of the very people they were. Danish had never imagined that some of these ideals would one day become the reason for them not being together – how is this possible? he asked himself again and again, not being able to stomach the fact. In that moment he wanted both of them to be dumb mediocre people who wanted simple unimaginative run off the mill lives. Why am I or you so strongly opinionated about some things, why is it not simple – the questions ran amok in his head.
Danish recalled how sometimes Saba told him to stop being so obsessed with her as it was not healthy , little did she know that this was just the proverbial tip of the ice berg, the future had much more in store. Danish was capable of loving her so much more; his heart had so much more to offer, he knew it would eventually happen sooner rather than latter– he would turn into a deewana. He had not seen her for more than five months now ; he had vowed himself to make up for all this time of separation. As he sat alone in his room, thousands of miles away far away from her, he struggled to think of a way by which he could erase the memories – there were so many, he had Saba written all over him. His head swarmed with so many vivid thoughts; Saba was such a gentle soul – he had imagined being in her company for a very very long time- regaling himself to the sound of her laughter, her giggles and her toothy smiles. The look on her face was nothing short of therapy to him, he used to tell her that she looked like a monk- there was this sense of tranquility he would feel looking at her face; even in moments when his own world was falling apart.
Though Danish was an emotional person, rarely did he show that – Saba had effortlessly and magically unearthed that inert aspect of his personality that lay buried under the layers of self consciousness and the fear of being judged by the world. He now cried more often – he did it when he talked to her and felt the pain of distance between them, when she was struggling and fighting her own demons, he cried as the separation made him feel helplessness – for he was unable to do things that would make Saba less sad; and sometimes he just cried because his heart felt full to the brim with all the love he felt for her.
Danish and Saba both loved each other a lot ; each cell of their souls craved to be together, unfortunately life had brought them to this painful turn. In a corner of his heart Danish still had hope that this might just be a bad dream and the water will pass under the bridge some day and they would be together; he knew Saba felt that too. He however never wanted Saba to make changes to herself that would change the very person she was for the sake of the relationship; he felt that would make her compromise on her dreams and her own visualizations and expectations from life. Every one of us has a right to pen our own story about our futures – Danish believed in this theory strongly and nothing would shatter him more than seeing Saba not living her life on her terms – a life she had imagined for herself, he loved her far too much to be that selfish. He still hoped though that the trickling grains of sand might do some magic; that life would take a turn that would let Saba feel uninhibited and free, penning her own story– their story.