And Then It Happened

Saba often used to say that she always felt very sad and gloomy around her birthday, never having understood the excitement that usually people show on that one day of the year; Danish wanted to change it for her. It was Saba’s first birthday since they had starting seeing each other and he almost made it his life’s goal to make January 25th a sweet memorable day for her. It was only yesterday when he was thinking of the ideas to celebrate the day, the surprises that he could have given , while being aware of the fact that Saba might not like him doing something overtly cheesy; and now he sat alone surrounded by a strange vacuum . He felt being in a space with everything being sucked out , being in a strange trance where he only felt the occasional crinkle at the corner of his eyes as he almost came to tears; the lump in his throat choked him up as the songs on his playlist reminded him of the times spent with Saba, those warm magical hugs and those sweet kisses that stopped the clocks for them . The thought that it would be a sad 27th birth day for Saba was akin to the shrill throbbing pain of a pin piercing through his heart slowly.

Danish had almost made a stony resolve that he would never make Saba feel that people walk in to her life and then one day walk out leaving her alone, a thought that she had shared with him many times – he now wanted to burst his lungs screaming that he wanted to be with her. He started imagining a life in her company more often now, in fact since last few days he crazily started thinking at back of his mind about a unique yet personal way to propose her when the moment would come some day; a gesture that would have their story written on it – his’ and hers . He tried to come to terms with the baffling reality, he could not comprehend why all that was happening ,was happening .There were certain beliefs and principles about which both of them had very strong views; some of them were a result of their circumstances and the lives they had lived, while others were a manifestation of the very people they were. Danish had never imagined that some of these ideals would one day become the reason for them not being together – how is this possible? he asked himself again and again, not being able to stomach the fact. In that moment he wanted both of them to be dumb mediocre people who wanted simple unimaginative run off the mill lives. Why am I or you so strongly opinionated about some things, why is it not simple – the questions ran amok in his head.

Danish recalled how sometimes Saba told him to stop being so obsessed with her as it was not healthy , little did she know that this was just the proverbial tip of the ice berg, the future had much more in store. Danish was capable of loving her so much more; his heart had so much more to offer,  he knew it would eventually happen sooner rather than latter– he would turn into a deewana. He had not seen her for more than five months now ; he had vowed himself to make up for all this time of separation. As he sat alone in his room, thousands of miles away far away from his land he struggled to think of a way by which he could erase the memories – there were so many, he had Saba written all over him.  His head swarmed with so many vivid thoughts; Saba was such a gentle soul – he had imagined being in her company for a very very long time- regaling himself to the sound of her laughter, her giggles and her toothy smiles. The look on her face was nothing short of therapy to him, he used to tell her that she looked like a monk- there was this sense of tranquility he would feel looking at her face even in moments when his own world was falling apart.

Though Danish was an emotional person, rarely did he show that – Saba had effortlessly and magically unearthed that inert aspect of his personality that lay buried under the layers of self consciousness and the fear of being judged by the world. He now cried more often – he did it when he talked to her and felt the pain of distance between them, when she was struggling and fighting her own demons, he cried as the separation made him feel helplessness – for he was unable to do things that would make Saba less sad; and sometimes he just cried because his heart felt full to the brim with all the love he felt for her.

Danish and Saba both loved each other a lot ; each cell of their souls craved to be together, unfortunately life had brought them to this painful turn. In a corner of his heart Danish still had hope that this might just be a bad dream and the water will pass under the bridge some day and they would be together; he knew Saba felt that too. He however never wanted Saba to make changes to herself that would change the very person she was for the sake of the relationship; he felt that would make her compromise on her dreams and her own visualizations and expectations from life. Every one of us has a right to pen our own story about our futures – Danish believed in this theory strongly and nothing would shatter him more than seeing Saba not living her life on her terms – a life she had imagined for herself, he loved her far too much to be that selfish. He still hoped though that the trickling grains of sand might do some magic; that life would take a turn that  would  let  Saba feel uninhibited and free, penning her own story– their story.

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Hi There!

The salutation in this post’s title in all probability is directed to me. Me, that went dormant for more than an year, away from my blog page, away from the old me. It would be  too convenient to say that one becomes too preoccupied with other happenings in life – there is work, & there is umm?? Frankly speaking I am failing to even coherently make up good excuses for justifying this hiatus, and yeah that excuse about work was as lame as it can get. A conversation with my friend today made me prod myself to begin this again.The last innings was full of a lot of posts written  surrounded by the proverbial thick clouds of emotions  with a downpour of melodramatic ruminations making those emotions trickle down.

I come back again, promising myself to be more regular with my posts. I can’t exactly claim that I resume this with an intent of catering to my followers(there are hardly any). I do this for myself , to find the old me, to rediscover the joy of life , the joie de vivre. My endeavor this time would be to try & be refreshingly different, and yes I forgot to add – I had Vivaldi’s 4 seasons playing in the background for inspiration as I wrote this. Hi there – “Spring” 🙂

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Fallacies Of A One Sided Love Sojourn…

The great bard had famously  said “Journeys end in lovers meeting” – profound thought indeed.In the echelons of the history of time, umpteen chapters have been penned by distraught lovers singing paeans for this extraordinary phenomenon called love. Somehow I used to believe its bull crap for a very long time, until the fat ass Cupid struck me. This experience came quite late in my life & probably that was the reason that when it happened , it was so intense that I was swept off my feet.

I’ve had my share of crushes, who hasn’t for that matter. The initial stages of getting to know this lady also seemed like another crush, but it eventually turned into a feeling much much stronger – a feeling so powerful & overwhelming that it took over the better of me, taking control of my senses, at times leading to an almost delirious state of mind. I guess it was her simplicity & the depth of character, the many layers she had beneath those glistening marble like eyes marked with the magical dark outline of kohl. How can I forget the manner in which I was enchanted by the air of mystery that she brought with her, intriguing me each time to scratch beneath the surface & touch her soul.

The friendship, the camaraderie & the bond I shared with her was amazing. It sounds way cheesy, but yeah her innocent smile & the child like charm was nothing less than the northern lights in the deep grey skies. Probably the most remarkable thing, which made my heart race was the flashes of my own mother which I could see in her – the knack of perfection she had, the simple yet tasteful way she dressed , never going over the top. A lot of it has probably got to do with the fact that most of us men are just mamma’s brats who have grown way too much physically in proportion to our cranium , hence we can’t get rid of that never ending need of a motherly figure in our lives – I am no outlier either.

Anyway , before I get carried away by my emoshuns, the truth is things didn’t go as I had wanted them to be, its an unpalatable fact, but yeah – “There aren’t any free lunches in life” as they say. The excellent friendship we shared was ruined when I confessed my love to her, I believed she handled it surprisingly well initially but then certain things happened & it hit a bumpy road which shook up everything. I know I have been wrong & probably she also could have been little considerate & behaved differently, but then there are certain things one can’t just simply put in words. I can’t blame her, for she had been through a painful breakup but then I wasn’t the party crasher either- being way too sentimental in this entire episode was something that lead me to some crazy behaviour(in her words) but in my defence – I have hardly known any other way , she was the first love of my life – I had every reason to act like that. As of today, we don’t talk to each anymore, & I know  the headstrong girl she is(damn i had fallen for this) – she’ll maintain this distance from me forever, however the only thing I can wish for her is smiles & joy , I know she is  someone who has the capability to reach the skies , I so wish for her to do that. That said, the selfish bastard that I am , I secretly wish her to come back for me someday even though its a tall order &  practically very difficult, but we all hang by that thin string of hope , somewhere deep down in our hearts, at the back of our minds & this keeps the wheels rolling …..

I end this with these beautiful words by Ben Kopel –

“One must be one to ever be two and if you were a day I’d find a way to live through you”

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Of Atheism & god…..

Yeah that’s right, it’s not a typo, it was on purpose that I typed the “g” in god in small case. I guess I was never a believer in a higher power, albeit for a short period of time when I was too young to think logically, being bred on the thoughts which were served by the adults of this world. Luckily, better sense prevailed & I slowly became a man of reason(ooh that sounds cool ). I have had arguments with many people including my own mother on this topic, particularly  me abhorring the idea of a greater higher power. I am fortunate that she never forced her beliefs on me. I don’t think many kids are lucky that way. Parents often force feed their kids on the thoughts of religion & god. I have always found the whole approach to parenting fascist, wherein rationale & logic are dismissed disdainfully. My dad who although believes in one, comes from a village but he is one such fellow who absolutely detests superstitions & senseless religious rituals. I guess it rubbed onto me, infact I took a page too many from his book & infact went a step ahead though becoming an Atheist(yeah, that demands “A” in upper case).

You just gotto ask  simple question to the people who believe in the existence of a white bearded fellow up in sky – “Why do you believe in him”(and by the way who decided on the sex of god- who the hell knows his/her sexual orientation), they’ll spring up with the cliched response “Who do you think created the universe” which of course is a rhetorical response. They fail to answer another question of mine though, which follows from the condescending response of their’s ” Who created god then”. The fact is, there is no such thing as god . We however fail to rationally understand this & become slaves to the thought of that imaginary creature since we’ve been bred on ignorance & religious dogmas right since our birth.

I am sure the world would be a lot better place & men would be more at peace if they detached themselves from religion & god. I believe, things would eventually change for the good, as sands of time pass – we’ll surely have a generation of men which will stop making a fool of itself by praying & bowing before an idea which is nothing more than a figment of their imagination. Wish that day comes soon 🙂

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Dasveedanja Pune

2 years 6 months & 22 days- a day too many for a city to make you feel at home. When you stay in a place for  this long, it starts to rub on to you- the lifestyle, the culture slowly transgresses the cocoon of any pre conceived notions, any initial reservations one has about the city. I remember all the details of my journey vividly as I came here 2 years back- it was a strange feeling. I was unsure for this was the first time in my life I would be leaving home & stepping out into a new territory out of the warmth & self assuring comfort of my nest. However these thoughts were only in the back of my mind- I was more than excited to live hostel life in a big city.

This period of more than 2 years has been like the proverbial box of chocolates, calling it a roller coaster ride won’t be an exaggeration. There have been some highs, moments of joy which warmed the heart- some memories which no other place could have possibly given. For the first time, I was living & sharing my room & spending my day with people not related to me by blood.  They eventually became my family- have found some incredible people who are now an inseparable part of my life, for I have had some indelible memories with them.

The last 10 months were a test- unarguably the toughest of my life. Times when I could not sleep at night, for months I was confined to the solitude of a room – seldom breaking down when things were too hard to handle. I felt like a speed bag which is at the receiving end of a flurry of punches, shaking me up & testing my patience continuously. I know it sounds clichéd – but hell yeah, I came out stronger. More than shaping me up for theadversities – these times changed me for life. It was like circumstances of life had altered the strands of my DNA, which no longer leaves what you originally were. I have little clue- if it is for the good or worse, only time will answer these questions. One thing which I can safely conclude is the fact that the people around you, people who are an essential part of life will be determining factors in such moments. I became close to my family like never before, suddenly my parents have become my biggest assets. Certain gem of friends who stood by me, helped me maintain my sanity & kept my cynicism in check, while the fake one’s fell by the side.

Anyway keeping the negativity aside- I leave the city on a good note, & as I finally bid adieu to the place, memories of last 2 years swarm around, leaving me with a damp eye. Pune, I owe you a lot, you have shaped me up for life, given me lessons which are priceless- maybe I’ll return back someday…….

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TRAIN TO PAKISTAN

I essentially have always found reading as a boring & monotonous activity. Until recently I hardly used to read anything apart from the daily newspaper- which I can’t do without. However a long spate of sitting idle within confines of my room has over a period of time make me take interest in it. The latest book which I finished is “Train to Pakistan”. It has been written by Khushwant Singh- one of India’s prolific writers & a personal favorite. TTP is often regarded one of Khushwant’s classic works. It is a coming of age story about a small village on Indo Pak border set in the back drop of partition.

The plot is gripping & seldom fails to keep the reader intrigued. Khushwant Singh has mastered the art of story telling- the plot literally takes you to Mano Majra- the remote village where the story is set in. The characters feel so real, all of them capture your imagination, whether it’s the Gurdwara priest Meet Singh, the dacoit- Jugga, Iqbal Singh- the political activist or Hukum Singh the magistrate. It starts off with individual plots involving the characters , which soon happen to be interconnected as the plot unfolds. Each character even if not directly coming in contact with the other, manages to influence the unfolding of events in the other’s life. The book gradually shifts focus to human emotions in times of adversity. How fast men unknowingly see a shift in their loyalties & their affiliations by the sheer turn of events is captured in the book magnificently. Friends who swore by their friendship for many generations soon turn out to blood thirsty savages. Amongst all this mayhem & morbidity where humans have turned into nothing less than beasts, there is that inherent trait of kindness & compassion amongst all of us- irrespective of caste, nationality & religion. The climax is one of the high points of the book which again reflects all those aspects of human nature beautifully.

This book is however not for one’s with  a taste for non fiction plots & people into serious reading. The beauty of the book lies in its simplicity making the process of reading hardly seem onerous. Definitely worth reading once…….

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Keep Marching On…….

It has been a long hiatus from writing my blog, I am not sure what exactly made me stop doing it. There have been a couple of factors, at the top of stack is my futile attempts at grabbing my first job. The struggle (literally) has been on for a while now, it’s almost 7 months since I stepped out of college. It won’t be an exaggeration to say that these last few months were the toughest of my life. I have been punched hard in the face, made to fall flat on my face  & pinned down by certain circumstances.  My mind was always filled with thoughts of negativity & despair. If my sleep was disturbed in the middle of the night, the first thought that came to my mind was of getting employed- that’s how bad I wanted it. Often I felt that the whole universe was trying to push me; bend me to see when I break. I guess I have already set a negative tone to this post, so let’s cut out this obnoxiousness.

I got my first job 2 days back, today was the first day at office. The roles & responsibilities which I would be required to handle in this job do not exactly confirm to what I had imagined out of my job. However certain situations & circumstances force us to do what we might despise, that’s life. The trick is not to get bogged down by it & continuously pursue for your ultimate goal.  Another fantastic thing which everyone keeps on ranting all the time, but very few are able to follow is to take the positives out of whatever condition life has put you in. Of all things, this hell of a time which I have gone through has bought me more close to my family. The support & encouragement which my parents gave during this tough time helped me maintain my sanity. My sisters whom I always saw as my little kids used to be in tears seeing their elder bruv in pain, their eyes were moist again when they heard about of job offer, this time it was out of joy. Then there were those friends, true gems who stood by me, calmed me down when I was losing it & supported me endlessly. I know tough times are still not over, they won’t be over till I get a suitable job, but I suppose I am better prepared to handle them now. I see this new job as baby step to get to my final destination. Without sounding pompous, I feel proud for never doubting my abilities in spite of all the umpteen rejections in the interviews which I appeared for – the faith in self has remained unshaken. Hope good times will usher in soon , coz as they say “ Every dog has his day”. 

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